Sugeng Tindak Gus

Gus, dinten meniko panjenengan tindak
Tindak dhateng papan ingkang sedaya tiyang boten saged manggihi
Sawijining papan ingkang sae, boten wonten rubeda lan kalabendu
Papan kratoning pangeran akarya jagad jumeneng nata.

Gus, sakmenika panjenengan sampun tilar,
Langkung cerak marang Hyang suci dumeling
Panguwaos donya enggal ingkang sarwa sae

Gus, nagari punika taksih betah patuladhan sae saking panjenengan.
Nanging mbokmenawi, Gusti kagungan penggalih benten
Panjenengan pun timbali sakmenika.

Gus, titip donga
Mugi pun amping-ampingi lelampahan nagari punika
Mugi budhi tuladha ingkang tansah panjenengan paringaken
Tansah gesang ing sanubari sedaya tiyang ingkang panjenengan tilar.

Sugeng Tindak Gus Dur
Keparenga ngaso kanthi tentrem

The Death of My Someone

That day, three years ago, I was aslept when my phone rung. It was very early in the morning and I couldn’t think of anything happening. Soon, I woke up and picked up my phone. Indeed, it wasn’t the news I wanted. Yet, I had to know that my someone, over there, passed away. She went with a big smile in her face, describing her peace and acceptance of the fate she wanted to be different one in the very beginning. My mind went there soon and I kept frequently asking my self, ‘What does she look like now?”, “What does she feel now?”, “Is she happy?”, “Where is she now?”, “Can she see me?”.

She came to my life so quickly, quietly, and suddenly. I didn’t notice her and thought she was the same as the others, coming and going easily. We shared laughter, stories, and dreams on calls, yet I didn’t know what she looked like. Later, I knew that she was dying, suffering from a mysterious illness looking like blood cancer. Yet, I kept thinking that everything would be fine someday and I would meet her.

In fact, in the day of her death, I didn’t do anything except crying and keeping silent for the whole day. I kept blaming my self for not being able to make any effort to fly to her hometown. I blamed my self for not having any saving. I was looked like a jerk that day and I believe that nobody liked seeing me with gloomy and pale face.

I remember the next days after her death. Sometimes, I waited for her calls, ensuring my self that she was still alive there. I came to her close friend and asked him to tell me any kind of stories of her. I wanted all people to tell what she looked like, what she usually did, and what things she most liked. I was trying to ensure my self that I didn’t meet any ghost before. Often, I met my Lord and told Him to take care of her or just asked Him what He wants for me through that confusing time. I got worried so often so that I needed to pray as much as I could.

That time, I was trapped in a jail that I created on my own. Some people said I changed much. I didn’t have any description of me myself, yet I kept going with my own belief and made many people walk far away from me. Finally, I came to the final step of the journey; that I was too tired to paint her in my heart, that I had wasted much time to know somebody who I, even, had not met before. I left her in the edge of life, hoping that I could run my own real life.

Yesterday, three years ago, she left so many questions to me. Yet, I didn’t cry as I always did when I commemorated her death. I didn’t pray like a worried person either. Yesterday, perhaps I had come to my understanding that sometimes we have to lose so quickly and it leaves pain. I still keep her things and I place her face that I know from her pictures in the special part of my heart, yet I will keep stepping on my path.

Welinge Simbok

Picture & words : P. Budiningtyas

Puspita

picture & words by : P. Budiningtyas

Unang Tangisi Tanomanki

unang tangisi tanomanki
unang tarilu-ilu ho
dang disi au
dang modom ahu

simbur do au di musim arilogo
silo ni intan diginjang di salju da ngali
sinar mataniari na lambok do au
na pamatangkon gandum
molo dungo ho dibot ni ari
jala manatap ho tu ginjang

berengonmu ma au disi habang dohot sonang
raphon dohot angka pidong di langitan
jadi unang tangisi tanomanku, hamu angka na huhaholongi
unang tarilu-ilu hamu
ndang disi be ahu
mangolu dope ahu




(P. Budiningtyas)