Wednesday, November 11

The Death of My Someone

That day, three years ago, I was aslept when my phone rung. It was very early in the morning and I couldn’t think of anything happening. Soon, I woke up and picked up my phone. Indeed, it wasn’t the news I wanted. Yet, I had to know that my someone, over there, passed away. She went with a big smile in her face, describing her peace and acceptance of the fate she wanted to be different one in the very beginning. My mind went there soon and I kept frequently asking my self, ‘What does she look like now?”, “What does she feel now?”, “Is she happy?”, “Where is she now?”, “Can she see me?”.


She came to my life so quickly, quietly, and suddenly. I didn’t notice her and thought she was the same as the others, coming and going easily. We shared laughter, stories, and dreams on calls, yet I didn’t know what she looked like. Later, I knew that she was dying, suffering from a mysterious illness looking like blood cancer. Yet, I kept thinking that everything would be fine someday and I would meet her.


In fact, in the day of her death, I didn’t do anything except crying and keeping silent for the whole day. I kept blaming my self for not being able to make any effort to fly to her hometown. I blamed my self for not having any saving. I was looked like a jerk that day and I believe that nobody liked seeing me with gloomy and pale face.


I remember the next days after her death. Sometimes, I waited for her calls, ensuring my self that she was still alive there. I came to her close friend and asked him to tell me any kind of stories of her. I wanted all people to tell what she looked like, what she usually did, and what things she most liked. I was trying to ensure my self that I didn’t meet any ghost before. Often, I met my Lord and told Him to take care of her or just asked Him what He wants for me through that confusing time. I got worried so often so that I needed to pray as much as I could.


That time, I was trapped in a jail that I created on my own. Some people said I changed much. I didn’t have any description of me myself, yet I kept going with my own belief and made many people walk far away from me. Finally, I came to the final step of the journey; that I was too tired to paint her in my heart, that I had wasted much time to know somebody who I, even, had not met before. I left her in the edge of life, hoping that I could run my own real life.


Yesterday, three years ago, she left so many questions to me. Yet, I didn’t cry as I always did when I commemorated her death. I didn’t pray like a worried person either. Yesterday, perhaps I had come to my understanding that sometimes we have to lose so quickly and it leaves pain. I still keep her things and I place her face that I know from her pictures in the special part of my heart, yet I will keep stepping on my path.